I describe myself as a postmenopausal woman since 17 March 2023, following an 11-year perimenopause rollercoaster. My story is not unusual, but it’s one I share to help others navigate this stage with awareness and empowerment.
At 44, I was diagnosed as perimenopausal. My symptoms were so mild I didn’t think much of it—mistake number one. Like many, I believed the outdated school narrative: menopause happens in your 50’s, brings a few hot flushes, mood swings, and weight gain, and that’s it. Oh, how wrong I was!
The first warning signs I ignored
At the age of 39 (now 57), my Personal Trainer first mentioned the word menopause to me as I had love handles appearing which would not shift. Now at this point, I was super fit with more fat on a chip. He told me that it was natural because of the way our bodies store fat with menopause (the peri word had not arrived then) and I was getting to ‘that age’. Did I believe him?
No!! Bloody cheek. “What does he know?” I thought. So I did nothing and carried on slogging away to get rid of those handles.
Once I hit 40, I started to notice that despite doing more exercise in a week than ever, I really struggled to maintain the same level of fitness. I accepted I wasn’t 26 anymore (when I started being a regular gym goer) and was pleased that I was still fit and healthy.
My first GP visit and official diagnosis
At 44, I went to see the GP (male GP may I add). About what I can’t remember. I think it was because I was getting moments of blankness, like a camera shutter.
I was told it was menopause (still no peri word) and offered antidepressants. “Give over”, I thought and turned them down as I wasn’t depressed. Whatever it was, it wasn’t that bad.
Five years passed with the only real change being that I pulled a muscle just looking at a dumbbell and the joints definitely ached a bit more. Was menopause in my thoughts? Not one little bit.
The day everything changed
Then. At 49. BANG.
What felt like overnight:
- The anxiety
- The stress
- The brain fog
- The memory problems
- The heart palpitations
- The dizziness
- The emotions, mostly tears
- The complete loss of confidence in my ability to do anything
- The disorganisation
- The trouble making the simplest decision Etc.
Aaaaagh. “What the fu!k is happening to me” I thought. Apologies for the swear word but I am being honest.
My mental health crisis
I spoke about it, but no one mentioned menopause. Other conditions yes, but not menopause.
After two months of the symptoms getting gradually worse, I crashed and burned. I was stressed and anxious about the most stupid little things but didn’t know why.
I had told myself I could not do my job anymore and was useless. In floods of tears, I spoke with my line manager and was sent home. Off sick from work for 18 days.
HRT and continued struggle
The GP did blood tests which showed it was hormonal and again the word menopause (still no peri word) was used. I was put on HRT which for me, was never a wonder drug. It helped, but in the four years I took it, it only dampened my symptoms at best.
Now wouldn’t you think that at that point I would look into what this ‘menopause’ thing was all about? Nah. The GP must be wrong. My mum had sailed through it (or so I thought) and I spent the next four years fighting it with every ounce of energy I did not have.
I cried. I lost myself. In my head I was useless and so, so down in the dumps. Still I didn’t know why. The brain fog and memory problems were just so debilitating. My husband said to me one day while I was in floods of tears, not knowing why. “I want my old Kirsty back”.
So did I!!
I felt lonely inside. I thought it was only me. I thought I was totally losing the plot.
Sound familiar?
May I add that my husband, big shout out to John, has been the most wonderful support to me all the way through my journey and still is. The temper, the tears, the snappiness, the forgetfulness, the brain shutters coming down, the words that I think I have said that change by the time they reach his ears, and so on. I cannot express how important having a support network is but that’s another Blog.
Fighting for answers
So, fighting away, I went back to the GP quite often! Again I was told it was menopause. I remember the day I went back, the last time before my ‘lightbulb’ moment, and told her I was not leaving the room until she had referred me for a brain scan AND, I would pay privately with no idea where the money would come from!
I said to her “This cannot JUST be menopause”. JUST. I giggle now that I said that word. There is no JUST about menopause, regardless of what stage you are at.
Anyway, she humoured me and referred me to the Mental Health team, ‘as that was the first course of action’. I got my appointment and went along. Hoping that at last, I would find out how early onset my dementia was or how large the tumour that must be in my brain.
I took all the tests and guess what? I passed with flying colours. Now did I then say, ‘ok, perhaps there is something in what the GP has been telling me, so go and read up on this thing called menopause’. NOOOOOO. I said to them “But this is today. I bet if I came back tomorrow, the results would be totally different”.
Again, I think I was humoured, and the lovely lady went away to ask her colleagues if anything else could be offered. I was settling for nothing less than a brain scan!!
The final HRT chapter
My next ‘thing’ was the mammoth three-month long bleed which would not stop. It went on and on. Despite trying different HRT’s, including one which apparently should have stopped me bleeding, the flow continued.
Eventually the only solution was to come off HRT and see what happened. Within three weeks, the bleeding finally stopped. That was my last time taking HRT. I take a number of medications for COPD/Asthma and acid reflux (which started during perimenopause. The gift that keeps on giving), and had never been happy taking HRT as ‘another medication’ so I chose to self-manage.
To be honest, I didn’t really notice any difference other than hot flushes and night sweats became a thing for me. I still felt down, anxious etc and I still blamed the brain rather than menopause.
Career change during menopause
By this time and in full swing of my menopause fight, I decided to change career. At the age of 51, I applied for an apprenticeship to be a Learning and Development Practitioner. I smashed the interview and got the job, woohoo, and I took on this complete other change in life.
In a classroom with the other apprentices who were all 30+ years younger than me, with their fabulously functioning brain, I felt a bit out of place. How on earth could my brain learn all this new information? Saying to my husband “Why have I done this to myself when I am so emotionally unstable, and with no answer as to what is wrong”.
Roll on to Covid and I ended up ‘off sick’ with depression following an 18 month awful time with a very poorly dad, who we lost in January 2020. Grief on top of my menopause struggles were just too much. I went off sick just before Covid hit and this time I very reluctantly accepted the antidepressants for my depression (this is relevant in a later part of the story. Probably a different Blog).
My lightbulb moment
So here comes the really good bit! One day, sitting in the garden in the sun, hearing nothing but birds and the quietness that was Covid, I opened an article on menopause on my phone. I thought to myself, “What is all the fuss about menopause”! It had started to hit the tabloids and magazines. BOOOM! At last, I read something which I could relate to. “Hmmmm” I said to myself “Perhaps there is something in this menopause malarkey”. So I read more and I read more.
“WOOOOOOOOOW. It is menopause AND it is all perfectly normal. Yippee. It is not just me. I am not alone and I am most certainly not going mad.”
I NEED TO EDUCATE MYSELF AND UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY BODY. How could I help myself and even be proactive?
Transformation
The almost instant relief was amazing. I realised I needed to own my journey.
Had menopause robbed me of me?
Yes. But only because I let it.
I realised I didn’t know what my values and beliefs were anymore. What was my purpose in life? Who was I and who did I want to be? Once I embraced it I went on the most WONDERFUL year of rediscovery. It was so enlightening and uplifting. I found ‘me’ again and do you know what? I really love this ‘me’.
Am I different to the pre-menopause Kirsty. No. I am still here but I am a bit tweaked and I looooooove those tweaks.
I can honestly, hand on heart say, that if I could live my life again without menopause, I would say no. It has helped to shape me into the beautiful butterfly I am today. Flying awake into an awesome, period free future. I am going to leave it here as for a Blog. I am told this is a bit long! I will write others on more specific topics but wanted to get the nuts and bolts down.
If you made it to the end. Thank you for reading this far and just remember, if you are struggling at all, you are bloody awesome and you are not alone. Not while I live and breathe anyway. ;-D
